Survivor Barn Find Reveal Was Just a Car Parked Since 2011

Collectors arrive expecting hidden treasure. Leave pissed and smelling like a wet dog.

A supposed automotive discovery stunned the collector car world Thursday when an alleged legendary barn find was revealed to be a 1997 Chevrolet Monte Carlo parked behind a collapsing garage since 2011.

The Monte was under at least two blue tarps, half a damn trampoline, and enough bird shit to qualify as structural reinforcement. The car wasn't hidden, forgotten, or lost. It was visible from the road, specifically named in dozens of neighborhood complaints, and used as a landmark by the local fire department and Google Maps.

Owner Randy Clutchburn claimed the car had been carefully preserved for 15 years. He originally parked the car after the engine over heated and developed a inevitably terminal rod knock.

“My buddy said it needed oil,” Randy recalled. “So I gave it half a bottle of olive oil 'cause, ya know, oil is oil.”

The engine died approximately 37 seconds later.

Randy blamed the over-heating on a coolant leak and attempted to repair it using pepper, duct tape, and assumingly, confidence. Rather than scrap the car, he covered it with a tarp and began the delicate preservation process known as ignoring the bastard piece-of-shit completely.

Instead of calling a tow truck, he wrestled the car behind the garage and proclaimed he would fix it "next weekend". That weekend hasn't arrived in over fifteen years. Since then, neighbors witnessed tires collapse, trees grow around it, and possums raise seventeen generations - safe to assume from inside the glove box. Randy refused repeated offers to haul it away because - again - he was planning to fix it.

Apparently for Randy, planning requires less movement than continental drift.

Neighbors described the situation a bit differently. "He kept saying he would fix it next weekend,” said brake repair specialist Cal Liper. “We eventually stopped asking which damn weekend. I swear we've been staring at its crooked ass since the final episode of Oprah.”

Excitement began after Randy listed the car on Marketplace aka Market-farce, with three blurry photographs and the headline, “Rare Barn Find. Serious Buyers Only.” Within hours, dozens of self described 'car collectors' gathered around the car, stroked their beards, some while sipping Starbucks caramel drizzled whipped cream topped oat milk mocha lattés gawking at the layers of rust like it were ancient hieroglyphics.

The group expected a forgotten muscle car. Instead, they discovered a front wheel drive coupe with a missing hubcap, a mold colony, and a bootleg Limp Bizkit cassette permanently shoved into the tape deck.

Randy described it online as a one owner survivor with desirable patina. In reality, the paint was oxidized, the floor was missing, and a family of feral cats had established a functioning municipal government under the hood.

One guy had the audacity to liken the deteriorating interior to a "time capsule", when in reality, it smelled more like time had crawled inside and liquid shit itself.

“The patina tells a story,” explained collector Dusty Camshaft. “Unfortunately, the story is about a lazy bastard.” Automotive historian Rod N. Bearing confirmed the Monte Carlo retains its original engine, original transmission, and an original Burger King receipt.

“Collectors value documentation,” Rod explained. “Unfortunately, this paperwork only proves Randy ate two Whoppers on April 9, 2011.”

That meal currently has more resale value than the car.

“People hear barn find and expect some million dollar Ferrari,” Randy said. “This has heritage. They just don't make them like this anymore,” he explained.

That is correct. Society improved - thank God.

Appraiser Otto Valuation estimated the Monte was worth $600 after evicting the raccoon, draining the swamp water, filling the gas tank with premium, and locating a buyer with recent head trauma, but added removing it would require specialized equipment, insect protection, and emotional counseling landing a net value of negative $300.

“The engine is seized, the frame looks like burnt Swiss cheese, and the interior smells like an aquarium full of cigarettes,” Otto said. “So naturally, the owner wants twenty-two grand.”

Randy's advertisement describes the car as rare, unrestored, and easy to finish. The front suspension has become part of the ground. Randy rejected accusations that the discovery had been exaggerated.

“You could restore it if you had enough money,” Randy insisted.

You could also build a better Monte Carlo from soup cans and disappointment.

One buyer offered $800, provided Randy included delivery and a tetanus booster. Randy declined, stating "I know what I got.". News flash, Randy - everyone else does too. Another idiot, err, potential buyer offered $100 for the hood. Randy refused, claiming he would not part out an important piece of American automotive history.

This car was built on a Monday by people hungover and/or stoned. There is no fucking history here. There is only a shitty car, parked badly by a lazy asshole, slowly returning back to the Earth while delusional tire-kicking, no-shows on Market-farce are tough-guy texting, baited by a "survivor" listing. This mullet of the car world did not survive - it just hasn't finished dying.

Randy defended the asking price by citing rarity. Production records show Chevrolet built over 100,000 of similar Monte Carlos in the mid-90's, but Randy insists his is the only one with an authentic fossilized McNugget which he says is numbers matching.

Several potential buyers walked away after learning the title was missing, the keys were no where to be found, and the car "maybe, kinda, probably, definitely" legally belongs to Randy’s former girlfriend.

One enthusiast remained interested.

“I can save her,” whispered amateur restorer Jack Standish, moments before his wife shut that shit down through a single furious 'lose-half-your-shit' type text.

The Chevy remains behind the garage, back beneath a tarp preserving it for another generation, which is a generous term for being left to decompose. Randy says he is waiting for a serious collector who understands its importance.

Neighbors hope the city will tow it - Yer Bummin' Skip! UPDATE: Since the posting of this story, Randy refreshed the listing to include "One with Nature" due to the weeds growing through the Grand Canyon-sized rusted out gaping chasms in the floor boards. Pure genius.

Nick "Car Sick" Cavanaugh | Editorial Dictator

The Fender Bender Garage